If you pay attention there will come a time in your life when you finally get it, when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks because you hear a voice inside your head cry out — ENOUGH! Or, it just may sneak up on you, tapping away at your mind until you finally stop and listen to the message — ENOUGH!
Enough fighting or moaning or struggling to make some final breakthrough, some clear sharp feel-good, catchall answer to the Great Mystery of Your Life. Like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your moans begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, and as though with bleeding bare feet, you have just crunched your way over a field of brittle old complaints, you arrive at the edge of a beautiful open valley. You begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety, and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella or that she is not the cheerleader you drooled over in high school and you are not God’s gift to women! In that moment, you understand that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any "happily ever after" guarantees must begin with you and, in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You are beginning to get it!
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are, and that that is OKAY! You learn the importance of caring for and championing yourself and in the process self-approval gives birth to a sense of newfound confidence. You stop complaining and blaming others for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is change and the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
Then, low and behold, other unheard-of miracles begin to happen. You stop judging and pointing fingers. You begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and another birth takes place; a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world is a result of the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche over the years by others. You begin to sift through all the horse-hockey you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, what you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children — and whatever else others think you should do or think or feel. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing. You begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown or should never have bought into to begin with, and you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is in giving that we receive. You sense the self-fulfilling power of creating and contributing. You stop merely existing as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not outdated ideals of a bygone era but are the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you can build a good life. You understand, cherish, and nourish good friendships. You begin to practice tolerance and acceptance with the undeniable knowledge that you have truly never walked in their shoes and that to judge another says far more about you than them. You decide to not ever form an opinion about another simply because someone else has told you "all about" them. Instead, you realize that you are merely hearing one person’s self-serving words at the expense of another whom you really do not know at all. In the doing of these things, another wonderful thing happens: Your opinion of yourself improves dramatically: You begin to like yourself more. It feels good.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the entire world and that you can't teach a pig to sing (I’m not sure about that one). You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, the importance of setting boundaries, and learning when to say YES and when to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one YOU choose to carry — and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Finally, you learn about love — what love is and is not. You learn that love really is about caring and giving and expecting NOTHING in return. You learn that love is a verb, that it is active and alive and dynamic. You learn that learning about love is not easy and you decide to learn about it, anyway. You learn that loving and liking are not the same thing— that you can actually love someone you don’t like. Yet as hard as it is to learn about love, the process is made easier by its inadvertent by-product— that of loving and liking yourself more.
You learn not to project neediness or irrational feelings onto another person or into a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child you have had. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. Instead, you learn to put into practice the new things you have learned. You learn that just as you and others grow and change, so it is with love. You learn that you don't have the right to demand love solely on your terms — just to make you happy. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and make peace with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 or Arnold S. You stop trying to compete with that alien image inside your head, agonizing over how you "stack up."
You come to know that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect. You are now treating yourself and others that way and you will not accept less from anyone. You get it.
Copyright © 2005 Robert D. McKinley
All rights reserved.